A start is a start.
Jan. 14th, 2022 05:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainiesI'm torn between writing an introduction of some kind and simply writing what I feel like writing, so I will do both in a manner that satisfies neither need properly. First and foremost I'd like to blame this on my poor state; I am terribly restless, physically uncomfortable, indecisive, and tortured by my own inability to pick a soundtrack for this entry that'd help me focus. Furthermore, I've been smelling the distinctive bitter stench of cat urine the whole night and I cannot figure out where it's coming from. Alas.
As evident, I made the executive decision tonight to make a blog specifically for us - myself, Tim, Martin - so that we can talk about the things that we can't post anywhere else. I've also made a similarly independent decision to forcefully involve Ji-Woon in the project, though he's free to participate or not according to his own liking, but given that he's an introject in the same exact situation with the rest of us here, I figured he might like the option of writing here as well. The truth is that being anonymous is both a blessing and a curse; certainly, as nameless bypassers we are treated the same as anybody else, but the mask requires us to never slip details that might identify us, and that has made us feel silenced and bottled up, suppressed, at times ashamed.
So I will start breaking that tradition now, though God, it is hard. Putting these things out there openly. I've avoided it for a year and it feels taboo like swearing in a church, and I'm about to shout it as loud as I can.
My name is Jonathan. Not J. Jonathan. I'm 34 and a Londoner at heart, though I suppose my current circumstances make me something of an ex-pat, an immigrant further north. I never thought I'd live outside of England. I never had any intentions to move out, though I had dreams of travel the same as anyone. I wanted to see the world, but never quite got the opportunity. Even when I did travel, circumstances hardly allowed me to enjoy it. I enjoyed it regardless. I won't lie.
All of this reads like a pathetic roleplaying starter. I've done that, in the in-between place that I inhabited between my world and this world. The place where I was becoming, but was not yet quite, myself. My own life echoes fantasy in a way that ashames me. I can't name it outside of private, thoroughly vetted circumstances; crazy flocks together, and so do interdimensional travellers such as myself, though of course Martin believes that part much more than I do. I'm a sceptic, or at least that's a title I've held onto my whole life; it covers the fear of unknown that is so familiar to me, the uncertainty that follows from knowing what you don't know. I am the product of a traumatised mind. I am a soul particle that took root in fertile soil. I am; ultimately that is what should matter to me, though I get lost in semantics. It's something of a hobby of mine.
I suppose that's all that I need to start, to give this blog a beginning, an introduction. I hope to make this an in-between place for the public and private; a place where I am not under a direct spotlight as if speaking on a stage but not invisible and unheard either. Perhaps fruitlessly, I hope that in here I could make connections as myself, without hiding everything that made me the person that I am, and without reinventing myself or submitting to the expectation that I am nothing beyond a symptom of trauma. I am a human being. I was a human being before. I am myself, with my own history, my own name for God's sake, and I am done and tired of hiding it like it's a dirty secret.
I know I'm not alone with it. And so, here we are.
As evident, I made the executive decision tonight to make a blog specifically for us - myself, Tim, Martin - so that we can talk about the things that we can't post anywhere else. I've also made a similarly independent decision to forcefully involve Ji-Woon in the project, though he's free to participate or not according to his own liking, but given that he's an introject in the same exact situation with the rest of us here, I figured he might like the option of writing here as well. The truth is that being anonymous is both a blessing and a curse; certainly, as nameless bypassers we are treated the same as anybody else, but the mask requires us to never slip details that might identify us, and that has made us feel silenced and bottled up, suppressed, at times ashamed.
So I will start breaking that tradition now, though God, it is hard. Putting these things out there openly. I've avoided it for a year and it feels taboo like swearing in a church, and I'm about to shout it as loud as I can.
My name is Jonathan. Not J. Jonathan. I'm 34 and a Londoner at heart, though I suppose my current circumstances make me something of an ex-pat, an immigrant further north. I never thought I'd live outside of England. I never had any intentions to move out, though I had dreams of travel the same as anyone. I wanted to see the world, but never quite got the opportunity. Even when I did travel, circumstances hardly allowed me to enjoy it. I enjoyed it regardless. I won't lie.
All of this reads like a pathetic roleplaying starter. I've done that, in the in-between place that I inhabited between my world and this world. The place where I was becoming, but was not yet quite, myself. My own life echoes fantasy in a way that ashames me. I can't name it outside of private, thoroughly vetted circumstances; crazy flocks together, and so do interdimensional travellers such as myself, though of course Martin believes that part much more than I do. I'm a sceptic, or at least that's a title I've held onto my whole life; it covers the fear of unknown that is so familiar to me, the uncertainty that follows from knowing what you don't know. I am the product of a traumatised mind. I am a soul particle that took root in fertile soil. I am; ultimately that is what should matter to me, though I get lost in semantics. It's something of a hobby of mine.
I suppose that's all that I need to start, to give this blog a beginning, an introduction. I hope to make this an in-between place for the public and private; a place where I am not under a direct spotlight as if speaking on a stage but not invisible and unheard either. Perhaps fruitlessly, I hope that in here I could make connections as myself, without hiding everything that made me the person that I am, and without reinventing myself or submitting to the expectation that I am nothing beyond a symptom of trauma. I am a human being. I was a human being before. I am myself, with my own history, my own name for God's sake, and I am done and tired of hiding it like it's a dirty secret.
I know I'm not alone with it. And so, here we are.
