Cross-Dimensional Staff Room

 

And this, ladies and gents, is today's topic. Yeah, I'm nothing. My feelings are nothing. Just play pretend, right? That's why I want to kill myself over it. It's fine, because it isn't real. I guess it wouldn't be real if I took us all out because of it, either.

This isn't a threat, by the way. I'm hanging on because I can't off my whole family just because I want to swallow bleach. Doesn't mean I don't think about it all the time. I should start counting how many times a day it crosses my mind. Today, thought about what kind of pills I could take; I was preparing dinner, physically speaking. Internally, the same old.

I don't do the whole "cry for help" thing. I still don't know how to do it. Been doing my best recently - talked it out when it started. Yesterday, the day before? I had a few good ones there, where I didn't think about it much. Then it hit and hasn't left since. Everything tastes like ashes. I wanna get over it. I want to start over. That's the thing, though. Starting over doesn't mean just pulling a blank slate. Feels like this shit clings to me like scars. Can't wash it off no matter what. What I mean by starting over is like, I want to be reborn. Stop existing, completely, end this one for good and be born again, or not, I wouldn't mind a permanent dirt nap. Like, I just want it to stop. The thoughts, the waking up every morning. The avoiding this by not being here, when my existence is the same all the time anyway. I don't want to go dormant, I want to die. There's a difference.

So I'm gonna be honest here. Maybe it'll hurt more than it's worth, but talking is the last thing I haven't tried, outside of things that might actually be harmful for us all; I'd get drunk but knowing how sick it made us last time, I can't do that to the others. And I'm not talking hangover sick or too much alcohol sick, I'm talking like, actual harm to the body sick. I'd take sedatives and go comatose but I don't trust myself not to take a handful. I don't feel like I necessarily have the required self-control here.